How To Escape Our Miserable Patterns

“Until you make the unconscious conscious,

it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

~ Carl Jung

I promise myself I won’t yell at my kids anymore and then I do… again.

My husband and I will think we’ve resolved the issue… but then we find ourselves having the same fight… again.

I always say I will NOT let my mother-in-law push my buttons this time but when she leaves, my buttons are worn out and I’m filled with anger and self-doubt… again.

☝🏾 Any of these sound familiar? ☝🏾

Do you find yourself swearing you won’t do that “thing” again only to find yourself right there… again? Like you’ve entered some horror movie version of [ps2id id=’groundhog-day’ target=”/]groundhog day?

We’ll there’s a reason for that, it’s not your fault, and there’s something you can do about it.

When we find ourselves saying we want one thing but find ourselves doing something entirely different, you can rest assured that there are entities lurking and working in the shadows of your mind. 

Now, before your brain jumps into memories of the worst horror movies you’ve ever seen, let me begin by saying that these “entities” are not “bad.”  They actually have your best interests at heart and want to keep you safe. 

The problem is that they have a few issues. Ya see they — 

  • Can’t tell time 
  • Have poor eyesight 
  • Keep only 1 or 2 tools in their toolbox that can actually “help” you. 

Let me explain.

These “entities” are your Subconscious Strategists.  

How do these Subconscious Strategists “help”?

These Subconscious Strategists begin working when we’re young.

When we have an experience that leaves us feeling hurt, scared, shamed, abandoned, rejected or something similar, these Subconscious Strategists get to work patching up the hole that was left and creating a powerful tool to make sure it never.happens.again.  

What does this have to do with my kid, husband, and mother-in-law?

Remember when I said that the Subconscious Strategists can’t tell time, have poor eyesight and only 1 or 2 tools in their toolbox to actually “help” you? 

Because these Subconscious Strategists can’t tell time, when your kids, partner, MIL etc, do something that brings up those old feelings, thoughts, and body sensations related to hurt, fear, shame, abandonment, rejection and the like, these Subconscious Strategists jump into action as if what happened years or even decades ago is happening right now… again. 

And because they have poor eyesight, from their perspective, it’s the same circumstance, same people, same threats. They don’t see that the situation or surroundings have changed.  The Subconscious Strategists job is to make sure the outcome is entirely different. So they use their 1 or 2 tools to keep us safe and far away from hurt, fear, shame, abandonment, rejection and the like. 

They are SO committed to their position that they will do whatever they need to keep us safe, even if the trade-off is that we’re living in a stable misery pit — that space where everything is relatively safe, familiar, and predictable… but we’re miserable and clueless how to break the cycle that’s keeping us there.

How do the Subconscious Strategists work?

Here’s where those 1 or 2 tools that I mentioned come in. The Subconscious Strategists aren’t very creative and they have very limited resources, so they tend to rely on the same tools to make others back away, or keep us safe. Tools they use are things like yelling, shutting down, sarcasm, avoidance, drinking, smoking, Netflix, that Instagram page with all those cute puppies etc

What do we do about these Subconscious Strategists?

Depending on who you read, you’re gonna get a lot of suggestions on what to do about these mind bending guys and gals — ignore them, use affirmations to convince them they’re wrong, go to therapy to get them some more tools and a pair of glasses, the list goes on and on. 

But here’s the thing. 

Before we can do anything to transform our Subconscious Strategists, we must first get clear on the tools they’re using and why.. 


My Subconscious Strategist’s Tool 

When I was young, yelling was a common language used by some in my home. When the yelling started, a smack or a spanking was sure to follow. So I learned very young that when people raised their voices — 

Shut down! 

Stay safe! 

Stay small! 

Fast forward 30 years — after my husband and I had just moved into our new home, a relative would come to visit.  When he and I were alone, he would raise his voice at me if he didn’t like something I said.  In response, I felt myself shutting down and hating myself later. 

Ever been there? In your bathroom, yelling at the mirror all the things you should’ve said? Yeah that was me. 

After 2 to 3 times, I realized that he and I entered a pattern and I was teaching him (and myself) that this pattern was okay. 

So I did some inner work with my Subconscious Strategist. 

I was able to make conscious choices to stop the maddening pattern and keep myself out of the stable misery cycle of shutting down and turning my anger inward on myself… again.

So what about you? 

Think about the last time you found yourself with that same person in that place, reacting the same way… again, even though you promised it wouldn’t happen this time. 

Was your Subconscious Strategist at work? 

We’ll there’s a reason for that, it’s not your fault, and there’s something you can do to truly transform that voice.

Let’s hop on a call and talk about it.


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Hi, I'm Lynyetta

I'm a psychologist and family empowerment coach for self-aware women and their families.