Last week I told my daughter to do something and she didn’t listen. I heard my husband instinctively say, “when an adult tells you to do something, you do it!”
In that moment, I felt two sides clash within me:
Side 1 said, “YEAH! She’s the child and we’re the adult. She needs to do what we say!”
Side 2 shot back, “No! That can’t be right…!”
As I watched my husband further describe “the rule” we both grew up hearing, I became aware that while the words of Side 1 (“do what you’re told”) felt familiar, the words of Side 2 (“that can’t be right”) seemed to fit.
In that moment, I did a quick “Spirit Tap” (my phrase for tapping into my Highest, Wisest Self for clarity). I closed my eyes, took two deep breaths, asked for clarity, and waited.
I quickly became aware that:
- Side 1 and Side 2 were both seeking the “Ultimate Truth” Award from me; both sides wanted to speak their truth to my daughter and my husband.
- The side I allowed to speak would solidify the story my daughter would carry within her.
- The side I allowed to speak would either strengthen or call into question the story my husband was carrying within him (and possibly lead to a “stern conversation” between us later on).
So which side won my “Ultimate Truth” Award?
I learned a long time ago that when two parts within me are clashing for the “Ultimate Truth”Award, it’s best when I speak for both sides.
As a result, my words went something like this:
“Daddy’s right! You should listen to adults when they tell you something. AND if what that adult tells you doesn’t feel right in your soul, you always have the right to ask questions or ask another adult for advice. Growing up, mommy and daddy were taught that adults were always right. But now that mommy’s an adult she realizes that she’s wrong… A LOT actually.
*we giggled* I continued*
So, if mommy, daddy, your teacher, or any adult asks you to do something and it doesn’t feel right in your soul, you can always, always, always ask a question or another adult for help.
[Bonus Point: Because I began by validating his perspective, there was no “stern conversation” between my husband and I later on… and in the end, he came to agree with me…woohoo!]
So, have I potentially set us up for a situation where she’ll find ways to use her “soul’s questions” to avoid boring or frustrating work?
Do I believe this potential is worth it?
Absolutely! And here’s why…
Why Side 1 felt familiar but Side 2 seemed to fit
In my childhood home the adult was always right. I don’t care if the adult said the sky was green and the grass was blue, children didn’t question adults because that was seen as disrespectful.
When I was about 13, an adult told me to do something that didn’t feel right in my soul. But he was an adult, so I did as I was told.
And on that day, I was molested by that adult.
And on that day the foundation was set for me to learn an invaluable lesson; a lesson that I began sharing with my daughter last week —
Never allow someone else’s stated intention to override your intuition.
On that day, I learned that adults are not always right and when intuition rings its warning bells, children should not do what they are told simply because an adult said so.
Experience has taught many of my coaching clients that what they were taught to believe as children doesn’t always hold up to life’s challenges.
Maybe you learned this lesson too?
What is one “rule” you were taught early in life that you won’t pass onto your children because it no longer rings true for you?
Hit reply or comment below and let me know!
Ya know I love hearing from ya 😉 .
Wonderful and wise. And I am so sorry an adult harmed you,
But what if your child questions every rule or request? What if your child feels “ in his soul” that it is wrong and harmful and scary to do as he is told? My son – 16- says that doing what we say is “ giving in” and “ giving up his power” , so he fights every request and transition. At some point, we end up saying “ do it because we are your parents and we are asking you to do it!” I know that’s not a good reason, but he argues and defies everything else because “ it doesn’t feel right “ to be compliant.
First, I’m sorry you, your husband, and teenage son are struggling. My kiddos are not teenagers but many of my clients have teens. Also, I helped my mother raise my now 21-year-old sister and OMG! there were times when my mom and I wanted to screeeeeam at the stars…lol (who am I kidding, there were times when we did…lol). Second, I LOOOOVE this question. Thank you so much for asking. If you don’t mind, I’m going to answer it in this weeks newsletter. I’m sure you’re not the only one for whom this question arose. I’ll comment here again once its posted to make certain you see it. Third, thank you for your kind words regarding my experience <3 I'll write again here this week!
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom! Very valid points and very thought-provoking.
Hi Colleen, I’m so glad you enjoyed the post! Is there a belief you grew up hearing or holding that you have shifted for yourself?
Thank you for sharing your truth. You allow others to think differently than they were taught as children. We have the power within to change our lives by changing our mindset.
It is my absolute honor to share my truth for the exact reason you noted. My hope is that my truth will inspire others to think deeply about theirs. YAAAAAS, re: the power we have to transform our lives by transforming our mindset. Is there a mindset or belief that you were taught growing up that you think differently about now?